Introduction:
How do we communicate?
Is Social Media to blame for the breakdown of communication in relationships?
It is almost impossible to remember life without the internet. How did we connect, make plans, send flirty texts before cell phones? How did we show our emotions without the aid of emoticons?
The global population is seven billion and rising and the number of mobile phones has reached almost five billion (and rising!). One would think with all this technology; social media sites such as; Twitter, Facebook, MySpace and LinkedIn, wouldn?t it have enhanced our ability to stay connected? But perhaps not so on an emotional level.
Evidence has suggested that ironically, this is not the case. Social media may connect people on some levels, but it has its darker side which is becoming more and more recognised in its role in ironically the ?breakdown of relationships.?
In a recent article in the UK newspaper, The Guardian * it was reported that attorneys in both the UK and the USA report an increasing number of divorces that indicate that social media was a major cause in the breakdown of the relationship. In fact one in five attorneys surveyed reported it was a growing issue with their clients. In the UK up to 33% of divorces filed indicate that inappropriate internet use through social media sites was a primary cause of the breakdown of the relationship.
?It?s complicated?? Facebook status
Facebook: a blessing or a curse?
For the positives of connecting with childhood friends; high school sweethearts and making new friends of friends of friends?.Facebook is one of the contributing factors to the breakdown of relationships.
Facebook has changed many aspects of human behaviour. It?s affecting relationships and marriage breakdowns in ways we couldn?t have predicted. There are drama stories (reported in on-line chat rooms) of couples breaking up as a result of a partner changing their status from ?in a relationship? to ?single? on Facebook without consulting with their partner first.
Have you ever been dumped via Facebook? According to a SNAP Interactive (the makers of iPhone dating app ?Are YOU Interested??), a survey of 1000 users- 70% male and 30% female- indicates that Facebook ?Dear John? letters are joining emails and texts as new digital ways to leave your lover.
The Results
? Nearly 25% of respondents have found out their relationship was over by seeing it on Facebook first.
? Nearly 21% of respondents said they would break up with someone through Facebook by changing their status to single.
? Nearly 40% of respondents have updated their status on Facebook so the person they?re dating sees they have plans.
? Nearly 35% of respondents have used their Facebook status to make someone think they have plans, even if they don?t.
While only a quarter of those surveyed say that they?ve been let go from a relationship that way, nearly half passive-aggressively use it to not hang out with the person they?re dating. But then you can fall into the category of the 35% of people who use it to say they didn?t want to hang out, anyway.
*The graph below shows breakups chronicled on Facebook. It allows you to see at what times people are breaking up. David McCandless and Lee Bryon, the team behind the graph reviewed status updates of more than 10,000 people to see at what times people had broken up. Maybe not surprising that there?s a peak around Spring Break, and harsh run a few weeks leading up to Christmas!
So, is the cyber world addicting?
People can become addicted to online communication, which is not all that different from addiction to other types of ?normal? behaviors such as alcohol or food. Research shows that the pleasure that is obtained by these online communications can actually trigger neurological changes in the brain, particularly in the need for the ?feel good? chemicals. The ability to talk anonymously online to others poses a problem, but so does the ability to create an online persona that may be very different than reality. This addiction to a fantasy world or alternate reality may be a result of unhappiness, chronic negativity, lack of self-esteem or inability to have a real-life relationship.
Dating online allows that person to feel desired, sexy and connected, which in turn releases those ?feel good? chemicals in the brain, such as serotonin, dopamine, and norepinephrine. The more online interactions occur the more the brain wants that reward, causing the cycle to continue and resulting in withdrawal from the real world and reliance on the virtual world found online. This in turn leads to a breakdown in social behaviour and etiquette. It?s easier and more comforting to hide behind a computer screen then have a face to face interaction.
Before the internet
Let?s take a trip down memory lane to the early 90?s when we?d heard a rumour of Apple and a genius computer nerd, Steve Jobs, but we couldn?t for one mili-second imagine our lives would dramatically change with the boom of the internet. Today?s Generation Z is born into a different time. The world has become smaller. It?s the Generations X and Y and the Baby Boomers who have experienced the decline in social inaptitude the most.
Instead of writing a hand written letter to a penpal in India if say, you lived in England, you could suddenly video chat (Skype) or send letters instantly (?emails?). Prior to the cyberworld, there was more social interaction. Neighbours would pop over for tea. People would chat on the phone. There was more body contact and social interaction. You didn?t dare run late and appear disrespectful to your friend or date. There was no on-line dating and so you spent more time focusing on getting to know the person instead of ?scrolling down a list? of other romantic prospects on a dating site, which can feel like shoe shopping! Any miscommunication was rectified in person.
And now?
Your new best friend has become your computer screen. You don?t need to leave home? for groceries; clothes; house hold goods, cyber sex; paying bills; ordering food as all could be done at a push of a button from the comfort of your living room. Pretty cushty right? This feeds into that ?instant? feeling gratitude. The world has become not only smaller, but twenty times faster! Why is everyone in so much of a hurry?
?My computer dating bureau came up with a perfect gentleman. Still I?ve got another three goes.? Sally Poplin, author.
Internet Dating
Here is a case study of a miscommunication of a potential romance meeting online.
Sally is an attractive, slim, woman, long raven hair, soulful brown eyes, an accomplished author, in her late 30s. She desperately wants to meet her ?match? as she wants to start a family someday. Scouring through the list of possible partners on an internet dating service, her eyes stop on a rather handsome man, with salt n? pepper hair, blue eyes, kind smile and great physique. She reads his profile and learns he?s a chiropractor (bingo!); he?s 45; never been married and wants children. In fact he writes: ?All of my friends are married and I love playing the role of uncle to their kids, but I really want this for myself someday.? Upon further reading, she also learns he?s spiritual; outdoorsy; sporty and has a passion for wine tasting. Her favourite pastime. Sally immediately emails an introduction to him. The next day, she receives a welcoming ?hello, I?d like to hear more about you!? in her in-box. They exchange emails for the rest of the week until he suggests they progress to audio. He calls her and they discover they have good phone chemistry after talking for almost an hour. They make plans to meet up the following weekend on a Saturday night for dinner.
The date: There is instant chemistry on a physical level and the rest of the evening is filled of laughter, sharing of each others? horror dating stories and what they want in the future. Sally feels excited that there is an emotional connection and Matthew goes home feeling excited to see her again. Their date lasted six hours.
Sally doesn?t even bother to check her online dating emails as she wants to focus on getting to know Matthew. However, Matthew checks his inbox. He thinks a few things: ?Sally was great. I like her a lot and I?m attracted to her, but who knows what?s going to happen, I may be missing out on someone else who is even more of a catch than Sally!?
Over the next few weeks, they go out on four more dates. They kiss and become emotionally and physically intimate with one another. Sally is enjoying how this is progressing. It feels organic and because Matthew has been so generous with taking her out to nice restaurants and even bought her flowers on one occasion, she feels secure and doesn?t feel the need to enquire if he?s actually dating anyone else. Matthew is feeling ?desired? too and his ego is being satisfied. He likes Sally?s company a lot but still wonders if there is someone ?better? out there. He?s paid money for the dating service for six months, and Sally was his first date, so why not get his money?s worth, right?
Then out of the blue, a few days go by when she doesn?t hear from Matthew. It bothers her, but she doesn?t want to appear ?needy? and puts it down to his busy schedule. Then it becomes four days and he hasn?t called her to make plans for the weekend. She begins to feel emotional, insecure, angry, and confused, so she calls him and leaves a message on his voicemail.
She then decides to check her dating inbox. Not only has she received several emails from other men of which she?s not interested as she likes Matthew, but she also notices that he has checked his account in the last 24 hours and has been quite active in the weeks they?ve dated. She had consciously not addressed this as she didn?t want to appear ?possessive? or ?insecure? as she knows these traits frighten men off and she wasn?t sure he felt the same way about her.
Sally feels like a leaded balloon and awaits the call from Matthew?????
How can coaching help in this miscommunication?
Sally would greatly benefit from a coaching session as she needs to keep up with modern technology of dating on-line.
A coach would examine the following: underlying beliefs; reframing perspectives; creating more awareness of her actions/thoughts/feelings; examine her core values and life purpose; address her communication skills; and make her feel empowered by acknowledging her gutsiness in ?putting herself out there?.
It is imperative that the coach releases all judgment and establishes trust with their client.
Suggested Coaching Questions:
? Why did Sally feel so insecure/anxiety-ridden before really getting to know Matthew longer?
? Why did she feel too embarrassed to not speak her mind and tell him how she felt early on?
? What is the worse that could have happened? Did she waste time?
? How could she have done things differently?
? How can she do things differently in the future?
? How can she keep her emotions ?in check??
? How can we help her to feel empowered instead of disempowered?
? Would meditation help her to relax?
Some of the Power Tools to include here are:
? Responding vs Reacting (placing the call/her response when he calls her back)
? Trust vs Doubt
? Respect vs Invalidation
? Commitment vs Trying ? is she really committed to making a relationship work?
Another good tool would be a visualization exercise. Asking her to write down a list of attributes she?s looking for in a partner and focusing on this intention. And to explore her inner compass further, so she?s in tune with who she is and is clear on what she?s looking for and will read future red flags.
Conclusion
In concluding, evidence does indeed suggest that the internet has affected our social behaviour and the way we communicate. But it has also opened up new possibilities, broadened our horizons and has allowed us to an introduction to people we wouldn?t have crossed paths prior to the internet. As long as you remain focused on yourself and keep your emotions in check, then you are one step ahead of becoming a Facebook status of ?it?s complicated.?
References
*blog.counselormagazine.com (p.3)
*www.informationisbeautiful.net (p.5)
Research obtained from:
baggagereclaim.co.uk
Quality Singles: Internet dating and the work of fantasy by Adam Arvidsson
Love at First Byte by: Internet Dating by Robert J Brym and Rhonda L Lenton
Realities and Relationships: Soundings in Social Construction by Kenneth J Gerge
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